Criminals use new website to search for lucrative new territory

An interactive online map allowing criminals to find areas across England and Wales which are untouched by petty crime has been launched today.

The site is expected to highlight locations for expansion and growth for petty criminals who are currently working in over-crowded crime hotspots.

“You can only burgle the same house so many times before they buy a gun or a really, really big dog.” said one burglar we spoke to.

“We find that the homes that are easiest to break into are the ones in places where nobody ever commits any burglaries, it stands to reason really.”

“I’m telling you, this website is an absolutely godsend. I can have a quick search and then spend 20 minutes in the car getting to a street that has literally never had a single break-in - I’ll bet half of them don’t even lock their back doors at night.

“It’s like taking candy from a poorly defended, particularly stupid, yet quite wealthy, baby.”

Overview

It is not just the criminal fraternity that have embraced the new technology, it has also been welcomed by new police recruits.

“I’ve been wondering which constabulary I should apply to, as I don’t want to spend all day chasing abusive kids on bikes, or being shot at,” explained one trainee policeman.

“So this website has helped me select a nice leafy suburb to apply for, where the only time I’ll switch on the sirens is when Doris and number 82 loses her cat again.”