Carter-Ruck long for halcyon days of coercion and intimidation

As Internet coverage focussed on its client Trafigura, law firm Carter Ruck has joined massive corporations everywhere in longing for the days when intimidation and blackmail was enough to get them what they wanted.

Despite using the legal process to secure their desired outcome - a media blackout of their clients wrong-doing - users of the Internet were quick to disseminate the news around the globe.

“This wouldn’t have happened in my day,” said a former lawyer specialising in news media.

“We would have put the frighteners on them nice and early, there’d have been no mention of it in the paper, and the first blogger to allude to it would have mysteriously disappeared.”

“I ask you, what is the point in being a billion dollar entity if you can’t buy the type of news coverage you want?

Twitter

Legal commentators have pointed out that technologies such as Twitter and Facebook ensure that all it takes is one mention from Stephen Fry and your dirty laundry is out there for all to see.

“All those years fostering mutually-beneficial relationships with people in power, and where has it got us? Nowhere. That Tim Berners-Lee has fuck load to answer for,” said one lawyer working in the oil industry.

“I mean, Jesus Christ, if the only alternative is to stop dumping toxic waste in third world communities in the first place, then I don’t even think I want to be a lawyer any more.”

Carter Ruck have been quick to point out that they haven’t been defeated, but this global exposure was in fact their plan all along.

A spokesperson told us, “The dumping of hazardous waste is an extremely competitive industry, and if someone now has tonnes of lethal chemicals they want to make ‘disappear’, what is the first name that springs to mind?”

“That’s right, Trafigura. We are confident our client will be delighted with the outcome of our campaign.”