Gordon Brown to sell everything you own

Gordon Brown is to announce the sale of £16bn-worth of things you own in a bid to shore up public finances.

The prime minister will give details of initial sales that could raise £3bn - including the chair you’re sitting on, your CD collection, and that picture of a sunset you bought at that car boot sale.

Brown insists he must sell your stuff in order to prevent public spending cutbacks that could send the country into a spiralling financial depression.

“You don’t really use that bike, do you? And someone in Sweden might give us fifty quid for it.” said Brown.

“Err, I don’t suppose you’ve got another fifteen billion of those hanging around have you?”

Surprise

The move has left many citizens surprised and somewhat upset after they believed they could keep everything they already owned.

“I woke up at 6am this morning to find some one-eyed Scottish idiot rifling through stuff in my loft.” said Sean Matthews of Bermondsey.

“I only noticed him because of all the whooping when he found my first edition Harry Potter, he reckons the Norwegians go crazy for that shit.”

“He told us there’ll be a big car boot sale at Parliament Square this weekend, and that I’m welcome to bid for it, along with a barely worn tweed jacked and the student loan company.”

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