Conservatives set to announce drastic cuts in honesty

By Toby S

David Cameron has announced at the Conservative conference that there needs to be a significant cut in honesty if the Tories are to win the next general election.

Cameron has so far sought to present the Tories as the party who will deal with the problem of mounting public debt by being entirely honest with key workers.

Policies include a one year pay freeze for most public workers like Tim Wright, a teacher in Sussex, said, “I was definitely going to vote for the Conservatives until they said they were going to stop me getting any more money.”

“Although Mr Cameron’s strongest personal attribute - not being Gordon Brown - is still a very strong motivator to vote for him, I am having doubts about being perpetually poor under his Government.”

Savings

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne said the country has ‘definitely run out of money’ and he needed the targeted £7bn savings to retrofit all of Tories offices to remove the stench of New Labour.

The original draft for their “poor people are all in this together” campaign poster was postponed after Tory back benchers warned the image of those words coming out of the mouths of all the poor people probably came across as being a little too ‘honest’.

“Yes, technically it’s true - our policies will target poorer people more than rich people, but history tells us that this is not generally a vote winner among the proles.” said a long serving Tory MP.

Mr Cameron now sees himself in ‘clear and present danger’ of being seen as completely honest about his party’s plans, and is seeking to clarity this.

A shadow cabinet insider told us, “With extending retirement ages, no pay rises for low-end civil servants, and plans for inheritance tax allowances being extended, there is only so much we can get away with just because we’re not Gordon Brown.”

“From this point on, I think it’s safe to assume that anything coming out of David’s mouth is at best, a complete lie.”

“We can worry about consequences and stuff from the end of May next year.”