News from October 2009

All parents to spend weekend assuming you are a paedophile

Parents accompanying their young children on Trick or Treat evenings this Halloween will only be doing so because they assume you are a filthy paedophile, a survey suggests today.

Footballer Marlon King jailed for failing to hire a better lawyer

Footballer Marlon King has been jailed for 18 months for failing to employ the services of a much better lawyer - and has been sacked by Premier League club Wigan Athletic as a result.

Tim Henman admits past use of Buttercup Syrup

Following Andre Agassi’s admission of his past use of Crystal Meth, Britain’s Tim Henman has admitted that during his playing days he once used Buttercup syrup.

Gordon Ramsay undergoes further face-stretching procedure

Following the successful removal of two chin wrinkles, celebrity profanity distributor Gordon Ramsay has undergone a revolutionary face-stretching plastic surgery technique in order to rid his face of its remaining trademark wrinkles.

Prince Philip excels in final warm-up gig before national tour

Prince Philip last night delivered the final warm-up performance of his new show “I don’t know, it just comes out”, before beginning his latest tour of the world’s top comedy venues.

AA Gill now wondering what a killing spree might feel like

AA Gill last night confessed to wondering what it might be like to go on a ‘bit of a rampaging killing spree’ after developing the taste for blood whilst shooting a baboon on Safari in Tanzania.

Dining out increasingly popular among gluttonous bastards

The growth of all-you-can-eat restaurants has seen a sharp increase in the number of disgustingly obese people who are willing to waddle their way to a public dining table.
Taybarns restaurant chain have reported record growth of their ‘all-you-can-eat for £5.99′ business model highlighting the rising popularity of eating until you vomit out of your nose.
One [...]

Women encouraged to marry old and stupid men

Research has shown that men should marry women at least five years younger, and not quite as stupid as themselves to ensure a less than miserable home life.

Ferguson criticises referee for unwarranted consistency

Sir Alex Ferguson last night launched a vociferous attack on referee Andre Marriner for dealing with two major incidents with unprecedented levels of consistency.
Marriner booked both Jamie Carragher and and Nemanja Vidic for fouls on centre-forwards who might have had a clean run at goal during yesterday’s north-west derby at Anfield.
“That was the turning point,” [...]

7 year-olds encouraged to consider careers in shelf-stacking

Children as young as 7 are to be offered careers guidance under a new government scheme in a move to stop the nation’s youngsters getting a bit ahead of themselves.
With falling standards ensuring that most school leavers have nothing more than a tentative grasp on the skills required for career advancement, setting expectations early is [...]

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KEITH LEMON

News from October 2009

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