It’s just a toy for Christ’s sake, everyone tells James May

A two-storey Lego house built by Top Gear’s James May and 1,000 volunteers is no more after the Top Gear presenter was reminded that it was just a fucking toy.

China agrees to slow down the rate at which it kills us all

China has promised to slow the exponential rise in its CO2 emissions, ensuring the eventual spluttering death of the planet will take a few years longer than environmentalists currently expect.

Renault to postpone further F1 race fixing until 2012 season

Renault Formula One have agreed not to try and fix any races for two-years following an FIA hearing on their role in fixing last year’s Singapore Grand Prix.

CBI tells students to drink even cheaper alcohol

The CBI yesterday told the nation’s students that tuition fees could be increased if only they all agreed to drink cheaper, and ever more dangerous alcoholic fluids.

Scientists to investigate rift in Old Trafford time continuum

Scientists are to investigate a potential breakdown in the laws of the Universe which appear to have centred themselves over Old Trafford, the home of Manchester United.

Is something happening with the yellow party, asks everyone

As the Liberal Democrats began their annual conference, everyone in the UK wondered if there was something going on with that yellow party, the one led by that guy who looks a bit like Tim from The Office.

Flavio Briatore to seek new corruption opportunities

After leaving his position as boss of the Renault Formula 1 team, Flavio Briatore is already seeking out new opportunities for his unique ability to spread corruption and subterfuge.

Rubbish doctors to get much, much longer holidays

Health Secretary Andy Burnham has announced plans to scrap GP catchment areas in England within a year, allowing poor performing doctors more time to do very little indeed.

Everyone denies buying Dan Brown’s latest record breaker

Dan Brown’s follow-up to The Da Vinci Code has sold more copies in its first 36 hours of UK release than any other adult hardback novel, despite nobody admitting to buying a copy.

Film-makers devastated as ‘Bowling for Audenshaw’ shelved indefinitely

Michael Moore-inspired documentary film-makers the world over have been left “devastated” and “heartbroken” by yesterday’s tragic and anti-climactic acquittal of two British schoolboys in what has been dubbed the ‘Columbine copycat’ trial.

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LATEST NEWS HEADLINES

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ALSO IN THE NEWS

BP’s Tony Hayward seeking new scapegoat opportunities

Professional scapegoat and current BP chief executive Tony Hayward is expected to stand down this week, and is said to be looking for new opportunities to which he can bring his own unique brand of scapegoat expertise.

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Queen barred from BNP garden party

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HAVE YOUR SAY

Is Man Utd goal scorer Own Goal really worth £85m to Real Madrid?

HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK

“This is the proof that that everyone is asking for. They took the sleeping pills, and just a day and half later they simply could not stay awake any longer.”

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

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