Lord Mandelson to harness the full power of the dark side

Labour is in “the fight of our lives” but Lord Mandelson insists the party can win the next election if he can harness the full power of the ‘dark side’.

Mandelson, who has been a Sith apprentice under an unknown master for many years, was speaking at the Labour conference in Brighton.

After facing concerns from the floor about Labour’s chances at the next election, Lord Mandelson told the delegates in menacing tones, “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

He then went on to suffocate two minor party activists that had suggested a potential change of leadership could improve the party’s fortunes.

His speech went on to explain that the election was there for the taking, and that Brown had the necessary skills to lead them to victory, explaining “The force is strong with this one.”

Fight

Mandelson began to warm to his theme, and went on to warn the Conservatives, telling them, “Your ability to destroy a reputation is insignificant next to the power of the force.”

After pausing to wave his hand rhythmically before the delegates gathered before him, he continued, “You are proud of the way Gordon Brown has handled the financial crisis.”

“Gordon Brown is a man of tenacity, charm, charisma and in possession of the most gifted political mind of his generation. You will report back to me anyone who so much as implies they think differently.”

As one, the audience replied, “We will report back anyone who implies differently.”

Mandelson continued, “My master assures me that everything is proceeding as he has foreseen,” before stopping as if interrupted by an inaudible sound

He told the audience, “I sense something, a presence I’ve not sensed since…..Tony?”

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Lord Mandelson to harness the full power of the dark side

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