Is something happening with the yellow party, asks everyone

As the Liberal Democrats began their annual conference, everyone in the UK wondered if there was something going on with that yellow party, the one led by that guy who looks a bit like Tim from The Office.

Somebody vaguely recognisable opened the conference with plans to do something about house prices, but details were scarce as nobody was paying proper attention.

One political correspondent told us, “It was interesting, they came on stage and said something that got a round of applause.”

“But then I got a 7 letter word on iPhone Scrabble, and that was it.  The next thing I knew, we were taking a break.”

The conference itself is said be like one big party, where you can say whatever you like, because nobody is ever going to hold you to it.

“Nobody cares.” said one delegate.  “We can promise whatever we like, just as I could promise never to cheat on Angelina Jolie - because I’m never going to get the chance to, am I?”

Rumours

As rumours spread regarding the introduction of policies such as a ‘bucket of gold for every voter’, excitement reached the level of a stifled yawn.

“I might just make some stuff up,” continued the political correspondent, “Nobody would care, or even notice to be honest.”

“The only way the yellows are going get into power is if someone finds evidence of David Cameron performing fellatio on Osama Bin Laden.”

“Even then, Gordon Brown would need to be caught smoking crack in Number 10’s garden shed.”

“And even if all that were to happen, people still wouldn’t be able to pick Nick Clegg out of a line up made of him and the remaining members of the Jackson Five.”

SEA, SUN & FUN

PLACES TO GET YOUR NEWSARSE FIX

RELATED STORIES

• Nick Clegg announces plan to be England’s first centre-forward astronaught
• Clegg to invite friends round for ‘mental’ Downing Street party
• Budget affects poorest the most, what do you think?
• World Cup bid ‘unbeatable’, says man who won election by coming last
• Fox vows to withdraw non-existent British troops from made-up video game

LATEST NEWS HEADLINES

• Alcohol sales are down because we’ve moved onto the cheap stuff, insist drinkers
• BMW announces launch of the all new Mini Oxymoron
• If I can forgive Bill, then you can forgive each other, Hilary tells Israel and Palestine
• William Hague is definitely not one of ours, insist furious gay community
• Professor Hawking claims God wasn’t needed for creation, what do you think?

ALSO IN THE NEWS

If you need to use a train then it’s ‘peak time’, clarify rail firms

Responding to claims that their peak-fare rules are unfair and confusing, train companies have explained that peak time is limited only to the times at which you want to use a train.

MORE STORIES

Survey finds public wants cold-callers banned, what do you think?

• ‘Laa Laa Cactus The Lizard Cameron’ sounds much better, say Big Society
• Budget affects poorest the most, what do you think?
• Please, please don’t blow up Big Brother house, nation tells Al Qaeda
• Seekers of mind-blowing unprotected sex facing postcode lottery
• Cat in a bin woman worse than Hitler, claim utter lunatics
• World Cup bid ‘unbeatable’, says man who won election by coming last

HAVE YOUR SAY

Is Man Utd goal scorer Own Goal really worth £85m to Real Madrid?

HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK

“This is the proof that that everyone is asking for. They took the sleeping pills, and just a day and half later they simply could not stay awake any longer.”

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

• Fox vows to withdraw non-existent British troops from made-up video game
• Tiger Woods inundated by desperate wingman applications
• Chilean miners happy to stay underground until ‘X Factor is over’
• The 111 emergency number is an excellent idea, for everyone else, says everyone
• ‘Make it look suspicious’ is chapter ten of suicide textbook, says David Kelly Pathologist
• Iran unveils the Ambassador of death, what do you think?