Portsmouth to be released early from Premiership on compassionate grounds

By Ivor Courtcase

Portsmouth are to be controversially released from the Premier League eight months early on compassionate grounds after losing all their games, all their decent players, and all their hope and dignity for the season.

The move has been agreed in order to spare them further pain and humiliation in the forthcoming season, the Football Association announced today.

“Have you been to Fratton Park lately?” said an FA spokesperson.

“It’s just like watching Scotland. But without the delusional false hope.”

“You’d have to be a heartless soul to force them to see out their sentence in the top flight of English football,” he added.

“I think we can all agree, they’ve served their time, we should show them some mercy.”

Return home

The ailing South Coast club will this week be allowed to return home to its family, where it will discreetly keel over and drop into the Championship, probably sometime around November, medical experts predict.

However, the news of Portsmouth’s release from the Premier League has prompted some to react angrily.

“Portsmouth are laughing in our faces,” fumed Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson.

“They brought Premier League status upon themselves by playing criminally good football the season they got promoted.”

“And I’m sorry pal, but ‘nil points’ and ‘takeover turmoil’ is no excuse to wimp out of their perennial Old Trafford arse-shafting.”

Anger

Other senior figures within the game agreed with Ferguson’s stance.

“Zees decision gives succour to relegation struggleurz ze weurld over,” snapped Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger, before punting a defenceless bottle of water up the touchline and being sent to the stands without any supper.

“It’s nothing to do with me,” insisted Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

“And you don’t watch Scotland with delusional false hope. It’s one-hundred-and-ten-percent genuine false hope. OK?” he concluded.