NHS premium phone lines ‘barely arousing’ say men

The use of premium phone rates for people contacting the NHS in England is to be banned, following surveys in which men claimed they were barely arousing.

It comes after 3,000 men responded to a public consultation about the use of 084 numbers in the NHS, and 90% said calls failed to give them even a partial erection.

“I was feeling a bit peaky, so I called the hospital,” said one of the male respondents.

“I saw the premium rate number - and having a great deal of experience of such things - I thought it was a great idea.”

“What better way to wait for medical advice than listening to a breathless nurse describe in great detail the sponge bath she gives to all the naughty boys?”

“But the one I spoke to was all business and I’ll bet she was well over fifty - and when I asked her what she was wearing she hung up on me.”

Rude

One user of the service who asked to be referred to as ‘Mr Mosely’ told us, “The so-called nurse I spoke to sounded more like a paper pusher if you ask me. In fact, she was quite rude.”

“Fortunately I’m into that kind of thing and simply found it all the more arousing. If only she’d had a German accent it would have been true value for money.”

An NHS spokesperson has responded to the criticism by telling the press that the service was an “accurate fantasy based on real world medical practices.”

“These are real nurses you are paying £1 a minute to speak to. Just imagine them dressed as if they were in ‘Carry on Doctor’ and I’m sure you’ll agree they represent excellent value.”