Highest global teen alcohol use and best-ever GCSEs ‘no coincidence’

A study has shown that UK teenagers are the highest consumers of alcohol in the industrialised world, leading experts to conclude this has contributed to further record GCSE exam results.

Girls in particular have pushed up the level of joint drunkenness and academic success in the UK, says a report from the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development.

Though perceived wisdom might suggest that drunken students would mean worse exam results, the truth has in fact been the polar opposite.

Results

Levels of alcohol consumption was highest among 15 year old girls, who found that a bottle of Lambrini helped them to better understand theme of guilt whilst studying Macbeth at GCSE level English.

“I was really struggling to understand what Macbeth was feeling after arranging to have Banquo killed,” said 15 year-old Sharon Butterworth.

“But then I had six Bacardi Breezers and a couple of peach schnapps, and I started crying like a baby. Then it all made perfect sense.”

“Unfortunately the notes I made were heavily stained with a mixture of tears and vomit, but I still got an A* in my GCSE.”

16 year-old James Short told us, “I had real concentration issues in class, but four bottle of buckfast and I’d believe absolutely anything the teacher told me.”

“It even made sense when he explained all that rubbish about continental drift and tectonic plates between my piss breaks.”

Academia

England’s Children’s Minister Dawn Primarolo said she was “delighted to see the nation’s young drinkers excelling academically”.

“Absorbing knowledge whilst off your tits on cheap booze is a key skill which will leave them well prepared for a four-year course in hotel management at one of our finest former-polytechnics.”

The results of the study could even see a significant change in Labour’s education policy.

“I have asked my fellow ministers today why we should even bother with teachers. A crate of Heineken and a couple of books for each child should be just fine.”

VICTORIA PENDLETON GIVES BACK

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Highest global teen alcohol use and best-ever GCSEs ‘no coincidence’

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