News from September 2009

Frantic bidding begins for Government’s new ’slag houses’

As the Government announced plans to house dozens of sexually promiscuous 16 year old girls in a shared home, the bidding to manage these properties began at a frantic pace.

Labour to lose support of 3m breast fetishists

The Sun newspaper has withdrawn its support for the Labour party, changing the way that literally millions of idiots will vote in May next year.

Lord Mandelson to harness the full power of the dark side

Labour is in “the fight of our lives” but Lord Mandelson insists the party can win the next election if he can harness the full power of the ‘dark side’.

Labour and Tories accused of illegal electorate-sitting arrangement

The UK’s Government and Opposition have both been threatened with prosecution for allegedly engaging in a “mutually beneficial” electorate-sitting arrangement for the last hundred years.

Please stop giving yourselves more money, Darling politely asks bankers

Alistair Darling is set to ask bankers, really very nicely indeed, to crack down immediately on large bonuses in a key speech to Labour’s conference.

Andrew Marr to perform complete physicals on all political leaders

BBC Political correspondent Andrew Marr has announced he is to undertake a thorough physical examination of the main political leader during conference season.

Obama announces US plan to join G1 group of countries

US President Barack Obama yesterday outlined his plan for the United States to join the G1 group of countries, the organisation for the largest economy in the world.

Lily Allen quits music, James Blunt strongly urged to follow suit

Music fans the world over last night urged James Blunt to follow the lead set by Lily Allen to stop making records, insisting they will play along if he wants to call it an ‘anti-copyright theft protest’.

Sol Campbell finally realises where League Two is

Former England defender Sol Campbell has left Notts County after only one game after somebody finally pointed out that League Two is the old Fourth Division.

Nick Clegg announces plan to be England’s first centre-forward astronaught

Nick Clegg has used his keynote conference speech to tell the Liberal Democrat party about all of the roles he has absolutely every intention of fulfilling in the next 12 months.

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News from September 2009

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