Endorphins to be added to controlled substances list

By Tim Riley

A a number of further ‘party drugs’ are to be banned by the end of the week for the safety of the nation, according to a Home Office spokesman.

The party drugs, or ‘Endorphins’ as they are referred to on the exercise scene, are freely available to anyone with a pituitary gland.

Endorphins are widely known to induce feelings of excitement and extreme well-being in regular users.

Statistics show that no-one yet has died from the effects of endorphins, but the government said that not enough research has been done and it could be “a ticking timebomb.”

Pressure

Hormonal pressure group, Nzyme, said “This law is the thin end of the wedge, considering that the majority of endorphin users use it solely for pain relief, and not as a so-called party drug.”

“What next - outlaw biomolecular catalysts? What we really need is greater education.”

Schools minister Ed Balls told us, “That’s what I was bloody well telling these kids. Do Biology or Chemistry at school instead of rubbish like PE or Drama which, incidentally, have been shown to increase Endorphin production.”

“We must look to control a substance which available at every street corner - if you run past it enough times.”

Depression

In July this year, several clinical psychologists, linked Endorphin use to a drop in referrals for depression and have consequently been forced out of business.

One out patient at Newham General Hospital, stated that he’d stopped attending appointments for ‘a depressive illness’ due to “having regular bunk-ups with a nice bird” and “being given a tasty payrise.”

He finished by saying, “Endolphins? Never ‘eard of ‘em.”

In a shock move, health advisers have claimed that one way to inhibit Endorphin production is through prolonged Ecstasy use, and so ministers are planning to introduce a ‘pilot’ scheme in a number of primary schools.

A spokesman said, “We’ll put it in like the milk we used to have at school.”

“By the time they leave for secondary, they’ll have forgotten what a smile looks like. Oh, and we might make a bit of cash on the side by legalising it.”