Gordon Brown to spend summer messing things up for free

Gordon Brown will spend part of his summer break voluntary ruining things for people living in his Kirkcaldy constituency, Downing Street officials have said.

Several newspapers are reporting that the PM has said he hopes to spend a week doing community work trying to get away from everyone who despises him, by offering his arseing-up services completely free.

“He’s well aware of what it is like to pick up a six figure salary whilst making a complete sweaty pigs bollock of everything,” said a Government insider.

“But now he’ll have the opportunity to know what it’s like to ruin absolutely everything, for everyone, whilst doing so for free.”

“He is confident it will make him a much more rounded imbecile before his return to office in the Autumn,” they concluded

Reluctance

Charities in Kirkcaldy have taken to leaving ringing phones unanswered, and are also refusing to open their front doors until Brown has secured a work placement elsewhere.

“Thanks, but absolutely positively no thanks,” said the head of a local recycling unit.

“We have a lot of flammable liquids here, he’d have us completely destroyed within the hour.”

A spokesperson for the local mental asylum said, “Our homeless visitors have said they’d rather scavenge in supermarket bins than be fed by him, for fear of catching some god-awful shitting disease he’d undoubtedly give them, by accident.”

“If he thinks offering his unique brand of complete incompetence to the region’s charitable organisations is a good idea, then he’s more deluded than most of the people we’re trying to help.”

“And three of them think they’re Napoleon.”

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