News from August 2009

Old people appear to have stopped dying, says ONS

The UK population has grown by the biggest increase for almost 50 years as old people appear to have stopped dying, according to the Office for National Statistics.

Men seek referrendum on male obscenities

A group of disenchanted ‘Masculists’ - men who campaign for the same rights as women - have caused uproar by announcing their campaign for a referendum on ‘male’ sexual swear words.

EuroTunnel to offer thrill-packed passenger rides

Anglo-French subterranauts, Eurotunnel, have announced a novel new service on offer for its annual 8.5 million+ passengers - ‘Spurlunking trains’.

Vacuous non-entities forced to repopulate nation’s street corners

The final episode of television’s Big Brother will be broadcast next year, forcing thousands of vacuous retards to seek alternative methods of garnering instant attention.

Cockney violence marred by footballing outbreak

There was surprise last night after a football match broke out during a violent assault by a bunch of cockneys on another bunch of cockneys to decide which cockneys were hardest.
The violence occurred between two groups of psychopathic cockneys, each with a penchant for football teams separated by a few hundred yards.
One football hooligan told [...]

Endorphins to be added to controlled substances list

A a number of further ‘party drugs’ are to be banned by the end of the week for the safety of the nation, according to a Home Office spokesman.

We need just 10 billion more CCTV cameras, say Police

As figures showed that one crime is solved for every 1,000 CCTV cameras, the Police announced we are just ten billion cameras away from solving all crimes, everywhere.

Human intelligence evolving faster than we can cope, say examiners

A record-breaking number of A-level entries for England, Wales and Northern Ireland have been awarded A grades, prompting examiners to claim human intelligence is evolving faster than we can handle.

FIFA demand gender test for Liverpool’s Torres

Premiership footballer Fernando Torres has been asked to take a gender test to eliminate concerns he is a woman, according to football’s governing body FIFA.

Every UK airport to be prefixed with the word ‘London’

Following the renaming of London Oxford airport, plans have been announced to rename every mainland UK airport by pre-fixing each address with the word London.

SPANK ME

KEITH LEMON

News from August 2009

NewsARSE © 2008-2010