UK spoof news and satire
NEWSARSE ARCHIVES
Authors
Page added on July 28, 2009
Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard is to begin pro-actively tackling his opponents during matches where he genuinely feels they might soon have possession of a football.
The move, in which he will scythe down players wandering the pitch minding their own business, would traditionally warrant an instant dismissal.
However, Gerrard has made clear to footballing authorities that he will violently tackle opposition players only when he genuinely believes they would soon be somewhere near a football.
“We understand that this might be seen by some as simple violent thuggery,” said an FA Spokesperson.
“But we have been given assurances that these tackles will only take place when Mr Gerrard genuinely believes a football is about to be involved.”
“As such, we have no option but to declare his actions as perfectly legal.”
Concerns
With concerns over how the new rule for Steven Gerrard will affect football at large, the FA have been quick to calm supporters of teams other than Liverpool.
“Let us be clear, we are not advocating the senseless violent attack of opposition players,” continued the FA Spokesperson.
“Bone-crunching two-footed assaults will only be tolerated when Mr Gerrard can convince twelve other Liverpool supporters that his actions prevented his team conceding a goal, losing possession, or if the opposition player was looking a ‘bit tidy’.”
Mr Gerrard is expected to debut his new tackling technique in the first minute of the league opener against Tottenham.
ARTICLES & NEWS YOU MAY HAVE MISSED
Water found on Moon
And it is already significantly better than found in Spanish hotels
Dubai Financial Collapse
Lidl to open first Dubai supermarket for destitute Arabs
New EU Presidency
I never wanted the job anyway, Blair tells everyone
RELATED STORIES
LATEST NEWS HEADLINES
ALSO IN THE NEWS
John Terry considering offer to become a South African polygamistJohn Terry is this morning considering an offer from South African President Jacob Zuma to become a South African polygamist, after learning that President Zuma is welcomed all over the world despite having five wives and twenty children.
MORE STORIES
Don’t panic, Only Fools and Horses repeats are perfectly safe, insists ThompsonHAVE YOUR SAY
Are Man City going too far offering £50m for the Geordie fan base?THE LIB DEMS : DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING?
Is knowing they are the yellow ones really enough?OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE