Aussie fear over post-earthquake Kiwi invasion

By Jeff Flynn

Following last weeks 7.8 mega-quake off the coast of New Zealand, it has been revealed that the country has moved 30cm closer to Australia.

This move has not only sent shockwaves through the Earth’s tectonic plates, but through the Australian scientific community as well.

The magnitude of the quake, whose epicentre was in the Tasman Sea, has expanded New Zealand’s South Island westwards by around 30cm (12in) according to scientists, a move which has alarmed many Australians.

The siesmic shift is seen as a blatant attempt by New Zealanders to create a land-locked corridor between their country and the other one down there where people sound pretty much the same.

“It’s obvious that those Kiwi bastards are trying to sneak over here to get their hands on our Koalas and drink all of our beer”, claimed former Fosters frontman and aged Crocodile Dundee actor, Paul Hogan.

Invasion

Hogan’s controversial assertion has backed up by coiffured roo-doodler Rolf Harris, “The last thing we need is those simpletons invading the country.”

“Sure, I liked that Lord of the Rings film, but King Kong was shit. If I wanted to watch a giant fucking gorilla for three hours, I’d spend more time with the wife.”

New Zealand, sitting on the meeting point of the Australian and Pacific continental plates, frequently suffers such earthquakes, explained Seismologist Ken Gledhill, of GNS Science.

He continued, “This move might seem insignificant, but with over 14,000 earthquakes happening in New Zealand every year and around 150 of those quakes affecting the tectonic plates of the earth to a sizeable degree, New Zealand could be a ten minute drive from Australia by this time next ChriAussistmas, which doesn’t bode well for Australia’s sheep population.”

The Australian Navy have already been mobilised.