Ozzy Osborne to offer lifeline to ailing banking sector

By Jeff Flynn

Wobbly-armed rocker, Ozzy Osbourne is to take a leaf out of the books of high-profile philanthropic musicians Bono, Chris Martin, Sting and Darius Danesh and plans to inject funds into the UK’s beleaguered economy.

“First off, I want to scrap Gordon Brown’s ‘tripartite’ system and then I plan to put on the biggest gig the world has ever seen to help raise some cash,” said Osbourne.

The controversial bat-biter, who has earned a fortune from shouting the phrase ‘Rock and Roll’ inaudibly at his gigs and swearing a lot on the telly, has decided to put his multi-million-album-selling band, ‘Black Sabbath’, back together.

Osbourne, who is currently suing ex-band mate Toni Iommi over the rights to the Black Sabbath name and subsequent royalty payments continued, “I reckon we can put all that behind us now.”

“It’s clear to me that when the financial chips are down, it’s only musicians like me, who have earned enough money to pay back most countries national debts - let alone Britain’s, are capable of sorting this mess out.”

Radical

Osbourne’s radical plan involves staging the world’s largest ever rock event, which he hopes to house on the entire island of Jersey.

“If it’s good enough for Bergerac, I figure it’s good enough for me!” he told reporters.

“It’ll be just like ‘Live 8’ was, but not shit, and it’ll be set within an area the size of the West Midlands.”

“We’ll have speaker-stacks so large, you will be able to see and hear them from space! It’ll be fucking awesome!”

“And then, when we’ve packed the place out, we’ll hand over the gate money to my local bank manager and bang! We’ll have fixed the national economy and played a blinding gig in the process. It can’t fail.”

Osbourne is said to be still searching for sponsors for the event.