logo


NEWSARSE ARCHIVES



Authors



Page added on July 22, 2009

Email this to a friendEmail This Post                      Printable versionPrint This Post

Ozzy Osborne to offer lifeline to ailing banking sector

By Jeff Flynn Ozzy Osborne to offer lifeline to ailing banking sector thumbnail

Wobbly-armed rocker, Ozzy Osbourne is to take a leaf out of the books of high-profile philanthropic musicians Bono, Chris Martin, Sting and Darius Danesh and plans to inject funds into the UK’s beleaguered economy.

“First off, I want to scrap Gordon Brown’s ‘tripartite’ system and then I plan to put on the biggest gig the world has ever seen to help raise some cash,” said Osbourne.

The controversial bat-biter, who has earned a fortune from shouting the phrase ‘Rock and Roll’ inaudibly at his gigs and swearing a lot on the telly, has decided to put his multi-million-album-selling band, ‘Black Sabbath’, back together.

Osbourne, who is currently suing ex-band mate Toni Iommi over the rights to the Black Sabbath name and subsequent royalty payments continued, “I reckon we can put all that behind us now.”

“It’s clear to me that when the financial chips are down, it’s only musicians like me, who have earned enough money to pay back most countries national debts - let alone Britain’s, are capable of sorting this mess out.”

Radical

Osbourne’s radical plan involves staging the world’s largest ever rock event, which he hopes to house on the entire island of Jersey.

“If it’s good enough for Bergerac, I figure it’s good enough for me!” he told reporters.

“It’ll be just like ‘Live 8’ was, but not shit, and it’ll be set within an area the size of the West Midlands.”

“We’ll have speaker-stacks so large, you will be able to see and hear them from space!  It’ll be fucking awesome!”

“And then, when we’ve packed the place out, we’ll hand over the gate money to my local bank manager and bang! We’ll have fixed the national economy and played a blinding gig in the process.  It can’t fail.”

Osbourne is said to be still searching for sponsors for the event.



SUBSCRIBE TO THE FREE WEEKLY NEWSARSE ROUND UP!

THE UK'S WORST 'DAD DANCER'

ARTICLES & NEWS YOU MAY HAVE MISSED

Water found on Moon

Water found on Moon
And it is already significantly better than found in Spanish hotels

Dubai Financial Collapse

Dubai Financial Collapse
Lidl to open first Dubai supermarket for destitute Arabs

New EU Presidency

New EU Presidency
I never wanted the job anyway, Blair tells everyone



RELATED STORIES

BANNED ADVERT!


LATEST NEWS HEADLINES

ALSO IN THE NEWS

I’ll happily pay tax just as soon as I get my own way on everything, insists Lord Ashcroft thumbnail I’ll happily pay tax just as soon as I get my own way on everything, insists Lord Ashcroft

Conservative donor and deputy party chairman Lord Ashcroft has admitted he does not pay UK tax on his earnings, but would happily do so, just as soon as the nation votes in a Government which will do everything that he says.

MORE STORIES

One medal definitely a success insist British Winter Olympic team thumbnail One medal definitely a success insist British Winter Olympic team

HAVE YOUR SAY

HAVE YOUR SAY Are Man City going too far offering £50m for the Geordie fan base?

THE LIB DEMS : DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING?

THE LIB DEMS : DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING? Is knowing they are the yellow ones really enough?

OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE

RSS feed Subscribe to our feed       Delicious Are we delicious?       Digg Add us to Digg       Technorati Bookmark us       Twitter Follow us on Twitter