G8 leaders to set further meaningless emissions goals

By Luke Surl

The leaders of the world’s richest nations will gather in L’Aquila this week to make a series of vacuous statements about the environment, culminating in an impressive-sounding but ultimately meaningless declaration on emission reduction.

This treaty, whose signing will involve all the leaders standing for heavily staged photo-shoots under a garish green banner, will reiterate the developed world’s intent to pass the buck of climate change to the next generation.

All goals will be set for the year 2050, ensuring all signatories will be long retired and, in most cases, dead.

No intermediate targets will be set, allowing all domestic and international policy to remain completely unchanged for thirty years, by which time many climatologists believe the damage will be drastic and irreversible.

Impact

Regardless of climatologist criticism delegates are convinced that this will have a real impact, “More and more voters are considering green issues when they go to the polls,” said a UK envoy.

“This is the easiest way we can pretend that we give a shit about the environment without actually committing ourselves to do anything.”

“And Gordon is perfectly happy making commitments that no-one will ever be able to hold him to.”

“In fact, he wishes he could make some economic and social commitments in the same time frame and still be seen to be ‘doing the right thing’.”

At the time of going to press the precise percentage reduction target is unclear. Whilst the British are campaigning for a 70% reduction in CO2 emissions, sources close to German Chancellor Angela Merkel suggest a figure of 80%.

The Italians, who will be hosting the summit and consequently have the most to gain from an impressive sounding number are touting a figure of approximately one bazillion percent.

The estimated carbon footprint for the conference currently stands at over 8,000 tonnes.