News from July 2009

Organic food offers health benefits by absorbing all disposable income

Organic farmers have claimed that a study showing their produce had no health benefits hadn’t taken into account their extortionate pricing which prevents consumers from spending money on chips and cakes.

Phil Spector to launch chart assault with prison super group

Successful murderer and music producer Phil Spector has shocked the music world by announcing his comeback plan to tour the American penal system with a self-styled band of convicted felons.

Website left completely unprepared for mild popularity attack

Semi-popular news satire site, NewsArse, was taken off the Internet last night after its owners were left completely bemused by its apparently growing popularity.

MOD reduces safety equipment to ensure all injuries are fatal

The Ministry of Defence is taking steps to remove all of its battlefield safety equipment to prevent soldiers returning home from tours of duty with expensive ‘injuries’.

Gerrard to begin pro-actively tackling players intent on ‘possession’

Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard is to begin pro-actively tackling his opponents during matches where he genuinely feels they might soon have possession of a football.

McDonald’s vows to regain unhealthy eating top spot

After seeing Starbucks move to the top of the unhealthy eating charts, McDonald’s has vowed to regain its rightful place at the head of the fatty food league.

World mourns as French president leaves hospital

Ageing short single men around the world are today in mourning as French President Nicolas Sarkozy left hospital in Paris, ensuring Carla Bruni will not be on the market any time soon.

Darling shock as banks continue to act like banks

Chancellor Alistair Darling has said he is “extremely concerned” that banks may be charging interest on loans to small firms at rates required to generate a reasonable rate of return, despite him being nice to them.

Warcraft movie to give geeks brief reason to leave their bedrooms

Sam Raimi, unconventional director of the Evil Dead Trilogy and Spiderman films, has signed on to bring the popular game-for-geeks, ‘World of Warcraft’, to the big screen.

Kevin Keegan to walk out on himself

In a move that will shock football fans across the nation perennial quitter Kevin Keegan yesterday announced to his family that he was walking out on himself.

SPANK ME

KEITH LEMON

News from July 2009

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