Corden is ‘the fat fairy’ claims leading doctor

By Jeff Flynn

A leading surgeon and self-confessed obesity expert, has claimed that fat celebrities are directly responsible for the rising levels of obesity within the UK.

Professor Michael McMahon, of Nuffield Health’s Private Medical Chain, says he has ‘irrefutable’ proof that tubby mirth-maker James Corden is actually, “moonlighting as a would-be Cake Fairy”.

McMahon suggests that, in the dead of night, Corden along several other high-profile ‘fatties’, sneak around the country, breaking into houses, then force-feed their occupants high-calorie pies and cakes.

“It beggars belief”, he told waiting reporters.

“Like Santa on Christmas eve, Corden and his vile accomplices - who include Beth Ditto, Fern Britain among their number - sneak down the chimneys of healthy, calorie-conscious individuals and ply them with all manner of evil foodstuffs, running the whole gamut from sweet to savoury.”

“People say that most body-image issues stem from the media’s portrayal of certain figures, but I am certain that it is, in fact, all down to Corden, that tubby twat”.

Celebrity

McMahon cites Cordon’s recent ‘fall from celebrity grace’ as being the main stresser, which has seen him turn from cheery womanising sweat-monger, to evil cake-flinger.

“I mean, sure, his TV sketch-show was about as funny as ball cancer, but it’s been given a seconds series, so what’s his fucking problem?”

“And now, as a direct result of his cake-letting, one in 12 UK residents are so fat, that they qualify for obesity surgery.”

Solution

McMahon does have a solution however, “I think that local neighbourhood watch schemes should shift their emphasis to track down these moonlight fatties rather than common-or-garden burglars, rapists or murderers.”

“And then, when snared, kill them with a single shot to the forehead like what they do with cows or like Javier Bardem used in Oscar-winning snore-fest ‘No Country for Old Men’.”

Cordon has been subsequently been placed at number 4 on the Metropolitan Police’s most-wanted list.