UK spoof news and satire
NEWSARSE ARCHIVES
Authors
Page added on June 30, 2009
Bernard Madoff’s withered corpse has received the maximum prison sentence of 150 years for masterminding a massive fraud that robbed investors of $65bn (£40bn).
The 72 year-old, who was still technically alive at the time of sentencing, is expected to see less than 20% of his sentence as a living, breathing human entity.
The remainder of his 130 year sentence will be served by his increasingly dessicated remains, in a high security prison in Texas.
US District Judge Denny Chin said, “What better way to punish his extraordinary evil acts than to keep his cold cadaver incarcerated for over a century?”
Survival struggle
With many of Madoff’s multimillionaire victims in court to see the sentencing, there were tears of joy at Judge Chin’s announced term of incarceration.
“Thanks to Madoff, we lost $2.5m, meaning we have had to survive on the remaining $7.5m of my trust fund,” said one Madoff victim, Vincent Malloy.
“Which makes him significantly worse than child murderers and Al Qaeda, and so I’m delighted his sentence reflects the severity of his crimes.”
“It’s one thing to steal, but steal from rich people simply isn’t acceptable, and now the law of the land has shown it won’t be tolerated,”
“Now, if we could only stitch up some of those Al Qaeda terrorists for securities fraud, we could put them away for a decent amount of time.”
ARTICLES & NEWS YOU MAY HAVE MISSED
Water found on Moon
And it is already significantly better than found in Spanish hotels
Dubai Financial Collapse
Lidl to open first Dubai supermarket for destitute Arabs
New EU Presidency
I never wanted the job anyway, Blair tells everyone
PLACES TO GET YOUR NEWSARSE FIX
![]() |
![]() |
|
|
RELATED STORIES
LATEST NEWS HEADLINES
ALSO IN THE NEWS
If you need to use a train then it’s ‘peak time’, clarify rail firmsResponding to claims that their peak-fare rules are unfair and confusing, train companies have explained that peak time is limited only to the times at which you want to use a train.
MORE STORIES
Survey finds public wants cold-callers banned, what do you think?HAVE YOUR SAY
Is Man Utd goal scorer Own Goal really worth £85m to Real Madrid?HOMEOPATHY FINALLY PROVEN TO WORK
“This is the proof that that everyone is asking for. They took the sleeping pills, and just a day and half later they simply could not stay awake any longer.”OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE