Liverpool board to explain exchange rate principles to Benitez, yet again

Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez’s imminent signing of Glen Johnson for £17m has prompted Rick Parry to schedule further one-to-one sessions on how the Pound is related to the Euro.

Johnson, 24, is said to be utterly delighted after Benitez added random zeros to his contract offer believing sterling to be ‘not like real money anyway’.

“I thought he was just adding some hugs and kisses at the bottom at first,” said Johnson’s agent.

“Then he said ‘Is enough, yes?’ before running off and cackling uncontrollably at a picture of himself on the wall.”

Lessons

However, the imminent £17m transfer of the player from Portsmouth to Liverpool has again raised the spectre of remedial finance lessons for the Spanish boss.

“We went through all this - in great detail - when he bought Robbie Keane for £20m” said an Anfield insider.

“He thought he was paying about 20,000 Euros, which seemed like a bargain as he rated Keane as worth around 40,000 Euros.”

“He snapped Spurs hand off when they quoted £20m, thinking he’d done the deal of the century.”

“We didn’t find out for two days, Rick Parry was absolutely livid.”

Monetary principles

Various teaching styles have been used with Benitez, including the use of marbles and an abacus with famous footballer’s faces on it, but nothing has helped him remember the basic monetary principles from one transfer window to the next.

“We thought we’d cracked it when he signed Voronin for free, but then he went and spent £6m on Lucas - officially the worst Brazilian footballer on the entire planet,” continued the Anfield insider.

‘At least we’re not married to him, I heard he paid £285,000 for a second hand mini cooper for his wife.”