Subsidised filth to be made available to all villagers

The Government has announced that every Briton with a fixed-line phone will pay a “small levy” of 50p per month to pay for all villages to have speedy access to the myriad of filth available on the Internet.

The scheme will spend £200m to eliminate the problem of a two-tiered internet where towns and cities benefit from smooth-scrolling interactive adult movies while rural areas struggle on with low definition, perpetually freezing, euro-smut.

“This is good news for everyone,” said culture secretary, Ben Bradshaw.

“Villagers tend to be pretty introverted, sexually, so instant access to high-definition German scat movies will almost certainly improve the lives of those in rural dwellings the length and breadth of the country.”

2012 target

By 2012 it is hoped that every UK home will be able to watch the Olympic gymnastics competition on hi-definition television before Googling for instantly available adult movies with a strong gymnastic fantasy theme.

“I’m delighted to be honest,” said Norfolk village resident John Daly.

“When the post office takes delivery of the latest Razzle it’s like an Iranian protest march in there.”

“You really don’t want to be lower than fifth on the distribution list for the new issue.”

“But now I won’t need to leave my home to satisfy my depraved need to watch 35 year-old cheerleaders debase themselves in the back of moving vans.”

Suburban

It is expected that the programme of broadband roll-out may also affect those planning to move to more rural areas.

“We had thought about moving into the country,” said father-of-two Charles Wright of Shepherds Bush.

“But I simply couldn’t live without access to all the home-made red hot amateur video websites, no matter how good the local schools were.”

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