For Christ’s sake shut up and buy new iPhone 3GS, pleads O2

With the new iPhone 3GS due for release on 17 June, O2 have pleaded with existing customers to buy-out their contracts and become early-adopting ‘cash cows’ all over again.

O2, who own the exclusive rights to the iPhone in the UK, previously offered a discount for owners of the first generation of iPhone to upgrade to the second generation.

However, now that first and second generation users have been sucked in like street-living crack whores in need of the latest fix, no discounts will be made available to existing customers wanting the latest handset.

“There is no need for a discount,” said O2 Chief Executive Ronan Dunne.

“Because we know they’ll pay whatever the hell we feel like charging, frankly.”

“We haven’t spent the last 12 months tying them into long term deals just to give them a big discount now, have we.”

“So just quit your whining, pay the £300 to buy out your existing contract, and then buy another watertight 18-month contract for a phone that will be obsolete in under a year. Please.”

“You’ve all done it once already, so it’s not like you’ve not got any ‘previous’ in this area.”

All Over

Telecommunication industry expert Piers Bryce said this “contract buy-out and sign-up-again for more money” deal was the only way O2 will ever make any money, ever again.

“They’d ask Apple to release a new iPhone every month if they could.”

“It’s the only way they’ll ever recoup the extortionate amount they paid for the exclusive rights to sell the iPhone.”

“It’s their last chance to cash in because frankly, any user who is keen on using new technology within a year of its release will never, ever sign up to a contract with O2 ever again.”

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For Christ’s sake shut up and buy new iPhone 3GS, pleads O2

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