Richard Timney to look at less porn as Jacqui Smith steps down

Richard Timney is to spend significantly less time looking at pornography after his wife Jacqui Smith stands down as home secretary in the cabinet reshuffle.

Sources say Smith is stepping down for the sake of her husband, who has been watching so much porn he is on the verge of being declared medically blind.

As Mrs Smith spends less time ‘at the office’ sources have confirmed that marital relations are more likely to be forthcoming on a regular basis.

Government officials have been quick to counter accusations that Smith’s voluntary demotion has anything to do with the recent MPs expenses scandal.

“That is simply not the case,” said a Whitehall spokesperson.

“She is not resigning because she listed her sister’s house as her main London home, far from it.”

“She is resigning to help her husband with his porn addiction by seeking to regularly perform her wifely duties.”

Techniques

The home secretary is said to be nervous about returning full-time to her constituency home, as her husband has learned many, many new techniques during his recent pornography addiction.

“Mr. Timney is a great customer,” said the local Anne Summers Manager.

“He loves a good quality anal bead and goes wild for any video featuring cheerleaders.”

“I hope for her sake that Jacqui Smith looks good in a brightly coloured short skirt”.

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