News from June 2009

Bernard Madoff’s rotting corpse to be kept in jail for 130 years

Bernard Madoff’s withered corpse has received the maximum prison sentence of 150 years for masterminding a massive fraud that robbed investors of $65bn (£40bn).

Corden is ‘the fat fairy’ claims leading doctor

A leading surgeon and self-confessed obesity expert, has claimed that fat celebrities are directly responsible for the rising levels of obesity within the UK.

Blue considering which band member must die to boost album sales

Boy band Blue are this week to determine which of them will die in order to revitalise their flagging pop careers after seeing Michael Jackson posthumously reach the number one spot in the pop charts.

Koko the Gorilla to demand US voting rights

Koko the Gorilla, officially the world’s first ‘talking monkey’ has controversially petitioned the United States senate for the right to vote, claiming that a 1,000 word vocabulary sets her way above the curve by way of intelligence.

Sales of life-extending hyperbaric chambers to plummet

Sales of life-extending hyperbaric chambers are expected to plummet today upon news that they don’t actually work as well as the sales people might have led their customers to believe.

Liverpool board to explain exchange rate principles to Benitez, yet again

Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez’s imminent signing of Glen Johnson for £17m has prompted Rick Parry to schedule further one-to-one sessions on how the Pound is related to the Euro.

Cowell and Green to launch new brand of super-tat

Purveyor of banal reality television Simon Cowell and chav-wooing retail mogul Sir Philip Green are finalising details of a new company whose products are expected to push the very boundaries of taste and decency.

Simple fraud convictions no longer scary enough for MPs

MPs could face up to a year in jail under plans for new criminal charges for Parliamentarians after it was determined simple theft and fraud did not scare them enough.

Wimbledon begins and not even the weather can save us now

As the Wimbledon tennis competition got under way, the nation’s non-tennis fans mourned the fact that this year not even the weather can save us from the endless tedious speculation over whether we might see a British winner.

Commons elects Bercow as new person to completely ignore

Conservative MP John Bercow has been elected as the new speaker of the House of Commons following a tense campaign that absolutely nobody gave a flying toss about.

SPANK ME

KEITH LEMON

News from June 2009

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