Wild celebrations as commuter delays drop to just one per week

Commuters around the country were today celebrating the latest train punctuality statistics which showed that their journeys are are now delayed just once every week on average.

With 90.6% of trains running on time, workers who use the train to get to and from work have seen their bollockings for being late reduced to just one per week.

The severe bollockings are now limited to one from either a domestic partner for arriving home late, or their employer for arriving late to work.

The latest punctuality figures, the highest since 1992, have been lauded by train users across the country.

“This is absolutely fantastic news,” said Barry Norman, an office worker from Kent.

“Generally I’d get a verbal bollocking at least once a week from my boss for being late, and then another at some point from the missus for being late coming home.”

“Now, thanks to a minor reduction in rail company incompetence I only have to suffer verbal abuse once a week,”

“And I only have to pay several thousands of pounds a year for the privilege, which is nice.”

Dream

A National Rail spokesperson said, “This is a reflection of the millions of pounds of investment we have recently thrown at infrastructure improvements,”

“The evidence of which has been seen by anyone who has tried to use the rail network on any weekend since 2003.”

“But we have a dream, a dream where all commuters can look forward to a life with just one tardiness bollocking a fortnight.”

“And now we have all moved a step closer to that dream.” he concluded with a flourish.

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Wild celebrations as commuter delays drop to just one per week

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