Cameron seeks to reform politics to the MAX!

By Damian Haydon

Dave Cameron has said today how the Conservatives will look to pimp up the UK political system in a bid to make it look “sick”.

The Tory leader insisted that the “sweeping, radical redistribution of power” is “gonna be MASSIVE”.

He added “People are gonna see the Toriez and they’re gonna see we’re CRAZY. It’s gonna be BIG! Literally, Westminster’s gonna get fully chromed out, alloy rims, and the most comfortable seats in the game. Boom!”

The Tories hope such a move will distract the public from their lack of faith in Britain’s democracy in the wake of the controversy over MPs’ expenses.

Mr Cameron’s intervention follows a series of proposals for modifications to the bodywork of the constitution, coupled with a full re-spray, from Labour ministers earlier this week.

Radical

Health Secretary Alan Johnson called for a referendum on a massive shiny exhaust for Westminster elections two weeks ago, while just last month Energy Secretary Ed Miliband proposed ending old-fashioned parliamentary procedures like dropped suspension and UV chassis lighting.

On the timing, Justice Secretary Jack Straw said, “Many of those tricks mentioned by Dave today have been around for some time.”

“What’s important is that there is now a growing consensus in favour of many sensible changes, like engine modification and improved rear diffusers.”

Tinkering

But Mr Cameron warned that “tinkering” with the constitutional engine would not resolve the tensions exposed by the recent revelations over MPs’ expenses.

“We mustn’t let ourselves believe that a bit of technocratic tinkering here, a bit of constitutional chrome-work there, will do the trick.”

He called for politicians to drop the “attitude” and would prefer to see power passed down to the “hoods and local crips”.

Political sciences lecturer David Nugget said, “They seem determined to make changes despite the fact that everyone knows you can’t polish a turd.”

“Though in this case it’s really more like rolling one in glitter.”

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