UK told summer is going to be a bit hotter than normal, probably

By Kathryn Hall

The UK is probably set for a heatwave this summer, possibly, according to the Met Office.

The Met Office says it is too early to tell for certain, but the signs so far are that it will be warmer than our last two summers and conditions could well trigger the nation’s ‘heatwave warning system’.

In London, this would mean daytime temperatures had exceeded 15c and night-time temperatures were over 9c degrees. In the North West, it would be 12c and 7c, respectively.

Dave Blox, the UK’s Chief Meteorologist, said in a press conference today that, “Current projections show that we are expecting at least two days in July & August where there will be fair chance of a break in the clouds and a bit of sunshine.”

“People really do have to take this risk seriously. Heat can kill, and if you’re killed, then you’ll end up dead. And nothing ruins a summer like being dead.”

Warnings

The Department of Health’s Heatwave Plan urges everyone to be aware of the health risks faced by the British public during a hot spell.

Everyone should make sure they have a ‘fair weather friend’ to tell them when to take their cardigans off and a warning leaflet is currently being put together for distribution to households nationwide.

The leaflet will advise that people with respiratory problems should stay inside during the hottest part of the day and only smoke fags in the coolest room in the house, preferably the fridge if they have one of those fancy American ones.

Windows should be kept shaded, though a Minister for Interiors stressed that net curtains will still be seen as common unless used ironically, and only then in Chelsea.

Finally, everything that isn’t nailed down should be painted white. “It isn’t racist. White just happens to be the colour that keeps normal everyday British workers the coolest,” said a BNP spokesman.

Finally, Downing Street was quick to act on fears that the heatwave may disrupt the national infrastructure. ” It’s fucked already to be honest.” said Harriet Harman.