UK spoof news and satire
NEWSARSE ARCHIVES
Authors
Page added on May 15, 2009
A number of armed raids around the country have led to the arrest of seventeen children charged with breaching laws on classroom sizes.
Government figures released this week showed that the number of five-to-seven year-olds being taught in “unlawfully large classes” has doubled in the last ten years, prompting local police forces to take action against the offending infants.
Police forces in Merseyside, Tyne and Wear and Cumbria launched the series of raids at 10.30am on Thursday, to coincide with “play time.”
Seventeen illegal pupils were arrested and taken for questioning.
Mrs McClusky, head teacher at a Cumbrian school which was raided, spoke of her experience: “We were just finishing off our storytime when the classroom door burst open and armed police came running in.”
“They told us to all put our hands over our heads and our faces on the desk.”
“They took one pupil away. We didn’t even know he was illegal, but I suppose you can never tell just by looking at them.”
Police Investigation
Police have 48 hours to question the children before they can be released.
“We are undertaking this investigation like we do all our investigations. Well, like the ones we conduct when we know we’re being watched.”
“So far none of the children have requested lawyers, or even a phone call.”
“They do keep wanting to invoke a section of the Human Rights act called, ‘nap time’ - but I’ve never heard of it.”
A Government spokesperson reiterated that they will go to “whatever lengths are necessary” to meet their ambitious classroom size targets.
ARTICLES & NEWS YOU MAY HAVE MISSED
Water found on Moon
And it is already significantly better than found in Spanish hotels
Dubai Financial Collapse
Lidl to open first Dubai supermarket for destitute Arabs
New EU Presidency
I never wanted the job anyway, Blair tells everyone
RELATED STORIES
LATEST NEWS HEADLINES
ALSO IN THE NEWS
We could tell you, but then we’d have to kill you, say MODThe Ministry of Defence has been accused of giving “misleading” answers to MPs scrutinising its budget after it told the committee that it could tell them where the money went, but then it would have to kill them.
MORE STORIES
Sugababes urged to resolve name dispute like women, in the ringHAVE YOUR SAY
Are Man City going too far offering £50m for the Geordie fan base?THE LIB DEMS : DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING?
Is knowing they are the yellow ones really enough?OK, THESE MIGHT NOT BE HEADLINES ANY MORE