News from May 2009

Concern as doctors confirm posh people can contract Swine flu, too

Panic has hit the upper and middle-classes today as Doctors confirmed a case of swine flu at Eton college and proved it can, in fact, be contracted by people beyond the working classes.
With many people watching the illness spread across the country through state funded schools and large gatherings of the generally unwashed, it was [...]

Wild celebrations as commuter delays drop to just one per week

Commuters around the country were today celebrating the latest train punctuality statistics which showed that their journeys are are now delayed just once every week on average.
With 90.6% of trains running on time, workers who use the train to get to and from work have seen their bollockings for being late reduced to just one [...]

Bono finally makes poverty history

Renowned U2 front man and general preaching bore Bono has admitted that he has finally made poverty history.
The Irish bands lead singer admitted that if they so desired, he, The Edge, and the other two that stand at the back need never lift so much as a finger, ever again.
Speaking from his Ivory Tower [...]

Please just ignore global nuclear armegeddon, pleads Telegraph

The Daily Telegraph today asked everyone to just ignore what North Korea are doing as it still has plans to drag out the MPs expenses story for a few weeks yet.
With most sane people more concerned with whether we will all be here tomorrow than how many ducks their MP owns, the Daily Telegraph is [...]

Cameron seeks to reform politics to the MAX!

Dave Cameron has said today how the Conservatives will look to pimp up the UK political system in a bid to make it look “sick”.
The Tory leader insisted that the “sweeping, radical redistribution of power” is “gonna be MASSIVE”.
He added “People are gonna see the Toriez and they’re gonna see we’re CRAZY. It’s gonna [...]

Burnley win last 2010 premier league relegation spot

Wade Elliott’s sensational strike ended Burnley’s 33-year wait for another relegation from the top flight as they defeated Sheffield United in the Championship play-off final.
Elliott scored with a curling 13th-minute strike into the top corner for a goal worthy of winning the final relegation place in the coming season’s premier league.
After the match Burnley manager [...]

Britain’s Got Talent contestants all praying for familial death

Contestants on the current series of Britain’s Got Talent have spoken of their desire for a close family member to die suddenly before the next round of voting.
As places in the final are being snapped up, many semi-finalists have said that although they felt their acts were strong enough, they had little else to differentiate [...]

Christian Bale threatens everyone, everywhere

Actor and Batman, Christian Bale has appeared on YouTube stoically munching his way through a live dog in order to distract people from the relentless dismantling of the Terminator franchise.
The clip’s popularity is expected to overtake the celebrity dog-eating clips posted by Samantha Ronson any day now.
George Lucas, a LoveFilm subscriber from Stockport, today [...]

Iconic ‘Bluebird’ caught speeding on Coniston Water

Donald Campbell’s iconic Bluebird K7 has received a speeding ticket after being caught doing 100mph in a 10mph zone by water safety cameras.
The vessel, which was salvaged from Coniston Water in 2001, was on a pre-agreed testing exercise when it was snapped.
Safety
The Lake District National Park Authority, which is responsible for reducing the amount [...]

Why not focus on the lucky children we didn’t abuse, says Catholic Church

The Catholic Church of Ireland has moved swiftly in responding to criticism of “endemic” child abuse at its institutions by pointing out that there were also some children that were not fiddled with in any way.
A nine-year inquiry investigated a 60-year period and found that over 2,000 children were abused whilst attending Catholic institutions.
However, the [...]

SPANK ME

KEITH LEMON

News from May 2009

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