BT launches new way to disappoint broadband customers

By Dungeekin

Telecoms giant BT have announced the first locations where substantial numbers of customers will have access to unreliable fibre-based super-fast broadband via the firm’s network.

Areas of Belfast, Cardiff, Edinburgh, Glasgow, London and Manchester will be among the first locations, bringing new ways of losing Internet access to approximately 500,000 homes and businesses.

Newsarse spoke to BT’s UK Broadband Services Manager, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, from the UK Operations HQ in Mumbai, he said,

“In this climate of increased Internet use and competition from cable providers, we at BT are being aware that our normal system of modems that can’t synch, cretins on the Helldesk and charging for an 8MB service when only providing 2Mb isn’t going to cut it.”

“We are needing to ensure that our users are experiencing the absolute ultimate in poor quality-of-service, and the new fibre service will be allowing us to be giving this to customers”.

Billions on mediocrity

The firm has pledged to spend £1.5billion by 2012 on enhanced software systems which will provide a 90% guarantee that user’s downloads will fail when at 98% completion, ensuring that the remaining 2% of traffic will suffer the required level of file corruption.

A planned software upgrade to ensure that broadband services are completely lost whilst streaming on-line TV is also in the pipeline.

Mr Nahasapeemapetilon added that the new Business services would also have enhanced capability, including the facility to monitor hosted websites and ensure that they crash whenever new content is uploaded.

Kris Marshall, BT Broadband’s public emissary, explained that the new high-speed fibre technology would lead to a change in the advertisements, including scenes of Esther Hall streaming naked videos of herself both to eager teenagers, and husbands of cabinet ministers across the nation.