News from April 2009

Crime Scene Investigator claims death was Natural Causes

A Las Vegas crime scene investigator has claimed that a recently discovered dead body was the result of a ‘perfectly natural death with no suspicious circumstances whatsoever’.
The investigation, into a body found in a parking lot, led to speculation that the deceased could have been poisoned, shot, electrocuted, stabbed, suffocated or boiled from the inside [...]

61% of you will almost certainly survive swine flu, says Brown

The UK is one of the best prepared countries to deal with swine flu and “all action necessary” will be taken to stop its spread, Gordon Brown has said.
With public fear escalating, the Government has been quick to use facts and figures to reassure those worried about contracting the virus.
“We have enough anti-viral medication for [...]

Well you must have done SOMETHING, Pope tells quake victims

Pope Benedict XVI has arrived in central Italy to visit survivors of the earthquake that struck on 6 April and killed 40 people.
Whilst touring the affected area and visiting with bereaved families the Pope was keen to discover exactly what the community had done to incur the wrath of God.
“Is it the harbouring of homosexuals, [...]

I thought contest was about my tits, says beautiful homophobe

A US beauty pageant contestant has claimed to be genuinely surprised after becoming a hate figure for saying she was against gay marriage.
“I don’t get it,” said 21 year old Miss California contestant, Carrie Prejean.
“I thought this competition was all about tits and ass?”
“I think the question is unfair, the great beauty queens of yesteryear [...]

World pig population shows signs of man-flu pandemic

The world’s farming communities are braced for a global swine catastrophe as the first man-flu cases are reported among the pig population.
With man-flu symptoms now reported in pigs across two continents there is concern this outbreak will reach global pandemic proportions.
“It’s extremely difficult to spot,” said US pig farmer Brad Shelton, 42.
“It might look just [...]

FHM release February 2012 issue

FHM magazine has taken a significant lead on the competition by releasing the February 2012 issue of its popular magazine.
The ‘lads’ magazine industry has been notoriously competitive in trying to release their monthly issues as soon as possible.
The previous record being set by Loaded magazine which released it’s January 2009 issue on 28th November 2008.
FHM [...]

Recession now officially scarier than the paedophiles

According to a new study, children are increasingly worried about the credit crunch and the economy, rather than typical fears such as monsters under the bed.
With the country plummeting further into the red, a study of 1,000 children of varying ages showed 61% had been affected by the economic downturn.
This has surprised child psychologists, with [...]

Hawking comfortable after application of Norton patch

Legendary cosmologist and author Professor Stephen Hawking is reported to be ‘comfortable’ after previous concerns about his health led to him being rushed to hospital.
Professor Hawking, who is Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University and the author of A Brief History of Time’, is to remain in hospital for a few days.
Hawking has been [...]

Property boom begins in Isle of Man, Switzerland and Dubai

Property prices in the Isle of Man, Switzerland and Dubai leapt overnight on the news that just about any successful professional in the UK will be looking for a new home abroad from April 2010.
With just 12 months to go until Alistair Darling’s new 50% tax rate is applied to anyone earning over £150,000, successful [...]

Lots of MPs looking to trade in their old bangers, apparently

Chancellor Alistair Darling has unveiled his secret plan to save the UK economy by making it marginally less expensive for MPs to buy a brand new car.
A new ’scrapping’ scheme has been brought in which will give all people, including MPs, a £2,000 rebate towards a new vehicle if trading in a car over ten [...]

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News from April 2009

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