News from March 2009

Scientists say Internet causes Pub Performance Anxiety

Scientists from the University of Kortnapping in Finland today unveiled ground-breaking research on social networking which reveals the crushing impacts that such internet sites as Twitter, YouTube and Facebook might have on pub culture.
An early sufferer of so-called “pub performance anxiety” (PPA) Trevor B, 46, from Gloucestershire spoke to us candidly about the problem.
We [...]

Pope misquoted: Pontiff meant condoms ‘annoy’ AIDS

Pope Benedict XVI claims to have been misquoted during his African visit when he said that the use of condoms was merely “aggravating the AIDS problem”.
The comments have caused uproar among health professionals and AIDS groups alike.
The Pope has been quick to diffuse the situation by claiming that what he actually meant to say was, [...]

Pardew withdraws confession to one thousand career rapes

Ex-footballer and currently out-of-work manager, Alan Pardew, today withdrew his confession to over one thousand rapes.
Mr Pardew, 47, was heard to describe a Michael Essien tackle as a ‘rape’ during Sunday’s Match of the Day 2 programme.
His follow up comments, “That rape was perfectly timed. Strong, quick, and no rolling around afterwards. I’d have been [...]

OPEC decides $160m a day ‘probably just enough’

Oil ministers from the 12 Opec countries meeting in the Austrian capital Vienna have decided $160m a day is probably just enough money to make each and every day, and have voted to keep oil production at current levels.
There had been calls to reduce oil production in order to force the price upwards in the [...]

Chief Medical Officer threw incredibly dull parties

News is emerging today that the UK’s Chief Medical Officer, Sir Liam Donaldson, has been responsible for throwing some of the most tedious house parties the nation has ever seen.
With recent health recommendations from Sir Liam including a higher tax rate on alcohol, and the taxing of chocolate, former guests of his have been quick [...]

Severe weather news ‘imminent’ warn forecasters

The nation’s meteorologists are warning that severe weather news is imminent across the country.
The British Isles is being told to brace itself for yet another sustained bout of bleak weather news.
Experts are predicting at least ten column inches per day with no let up at the weekend.
Northern cities will be the first to feel the [...]

Advertisers excited by Comic Relief switch-overs

The nation’s commercial television channels are expecting bumper payouts from their advertisers as viewers switch over during the ‘sad bits’ of tonight’s Comic Relief telethon.
It is expected that 73% of viewers would rather be sold to by car manufacturers, chocolate suppliers, or even the Army, than watch skinny African children covered in flies.
“I don’t know [...]

Police probes probed over probes probe.

The government is set to launch a probe into allegations that police probes probed ongoing probes.
“This habit of probe probing is a very poor probe practice and will not be tolerated” said Maureen Filch, head of the governments Probing Office.
“If probes can’t probe without being probed themselves then what is the point in having probes?”
Probe
A [...]

Internet millionaire to keep ‘money making secret’ a secret

A US man who claims to make thousands of pounds every month simply by posting links on Google has vowed to keep his secret to himself.
The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims to have discovered a fool-proof hassle-free way of making thousands of pounds a month from Google, for little or no effort on [...]

Unhappy pupil decides against school shooting rampage

An unhappy 15 year-old school-boy at an East London comprehensive has decided against a murderous rampage among his fellow students.
The boy, who wishes to remain anonymous, said he felt he was just as likely to feel better about everything by writing melancholic poetry in his diary.
“I’ve written it all down on a page stained by [...]

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KEITH LEMON

News from March 2009

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