News from March 2009

Increased fuel duty forces arsonists to seek cheaper alternatives

The Government’s latest planned 2% rise in fuel duty has added further financial strain to the nation’s already struggling arsonists.
Despite promising no fuel duty raises for 12 months, the Government has back tracked and plans to implement a 2% rise on April 1 this year.
Many firestarters have already cut back since the last round of [...]

One-man flash mob fails to rock market town

A one-man flash mob has failed to ignite the imagination of a Northamptonshire town.
The impromptu event was organised by supermarket worker James Davies, 26 of Daventry.
Mr Davies used the popular social networking site Facebook to promote his event, titled “The Day Daventry Stood Still”
“The idea was to bring the High Street to a standstill for [...]

Stalker claim dismissed as being ‘merely on the same route’

A London man has been cleared of stalking after a judge ruled that he merely worked in the same department as the plaintiff.
The man, who can not be named for legal reasons, explained how living on the same street and working for the same company, with the same start time, often led to them making [...]

Jordan furious at Google Street View snub

Ample breasted author Jordan today launched a scathing attack on the new Google Street View application for not containing a single photograph of her.
The system, which has taken over 10 million photographs covering every inch of the nation’s capital has somehow contrived to avoid taking a single picture of the writer/model - real name Katie [...]

WeekArse issue 2

Weekarse magazine returns this week with more features that could, quite possibly, rock your world!
Next week, the special commemorative Jade Goody issue!

Where are all the flying cars, asks man released after 27 years

A man who spent 27 years in jail for a murder he did not commit has asked “where are all the flying cars?” as he walked free from the Court of Appeal.
Sean Hodgson, now 57, saw his “unsafe” conviction for killing Teresa De Simone, 22, in her car in Southampton 30 years ago quashed by [...]

Next Top Model audition venues completely sold out

All audition venues for the TV show America’s Next Top Model have completely sold out of all spectator tickets, according to publicists for the series.
The show, which aims to find one lucky to girl to be America’s next media plaything, hosts auditions around the country looking for supermodel hopefuls.
However, following an outbreak of rioting among [...]

Jeremy Kyle viewing figures to pass two million

Government figures released yesterday showed that for the first time, the number of people watching The Jeremy Kyle Show topped two million.

Police encouraged to gain more criminal records in war on crime

Lib Dem spokesman Chris Huhne has revealed figures showing that only one thousand serving police officers have criminal convictions of any description.
He said, “This is a disgrace. How can we expect to fight crime effectively with such little practical experience on our side?”
However, Police Federation chairman Paul McKeever countered, “I’m afraid Mr Huhne has [...]

New Lynx officially less effective than Rohypnol

A recent study has shown that the tiny new Lynx deodorant product, the Lynx Bullet, is officially less effective in ensuring sexual relations than Rohypnol.
The new Lynx product, which is said to offer “Pocket Pulling Power” has been specifically designed to create opportunities for sexual intercourse for young males.
However, it has been met with a [...]

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News from March 2009

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