Scots no longer targetting global drinking league title

By Alec Beattie

The Scottish Parliament has caused national outrage with its proposed plans to settle for 8th place in the Global Alcohol Consumption League.

Interfering killjoy politicians have decided that 8th place in the global drinking league is more than satisfactory for a country of Scotland’s size.

A Parliamentary spokesman said, “A place in the quarter-finals is a huge achievement for a country our size, and one our nation’s drinkers should be proud of. But now we must bow out gracefully.”

Plans have been drawn up for laws which will ban popular promotions in Scottish pubs such as ‘Drink Yourself To Death For A Fiver’ and ‘All The Fried Food You Can Swallow Without Choking’ buffets.

It’s going to cost how much!

The Government also plans to impose mandatory minimums for the price of shop-bought alcohol, such that a typical can of strong lager would cost as much as 35p and a similar can of cider would be at least 30p.

Monks at Buckfast Abbey, which makes the much-loved fortified wine, ‘Buckie’ or ‘Fuckfast’ are said to be in deep shock and are expecting a huge drop in demand as 98% of their product is drunk in the price-sensitive Scottish housing schemes.

“The Government obviously hates God and wants him to be poor, that’s all I can think is behind this.” said one unhappy Monk.

Panic buying

A panic buyer filling up his trolley in Asda commented, “This is ridiculous, we Scots set our bloody hearts on first place in the global drinking league. How do these bloody politicians expect us to get to number one if they keep putting obstacles in our way?”

Another shopper commented, “People say that beggars can’t be choosers, well, with these price rises you could give one of them a quid, send him to an off-licence, and it would literally be true.”

The last word went to Rab, 52, of no fixed abode, who shouted across Sauchiehall Steet, “Gah! Here, you!”

He added, “Geez a pound for the bus, pal.”