News from March 2009

Smoking hot Catholics to target Royal family

Incredibly attractive members of the Roman Catholic church were today celebrating the news that they and their children might be allowed to take the throne by marrying into the Royal family.
News has reached us that Gordon Brown has opened talks with Buckingham Palace over altering the 1701 Act of Settlement, which bars members of the [...]

iPhone users too busy demonstrating features to make calls

A new survey has shown that the average iPhone user spends just 12% of their time on the device actually making calls and using the Internet.
The other 88% of their time is spent being inexplicably smug to friends and acquaintances whilst demonstrating what the iPhone can do.
“I feel like I own one already the [...]

Jacqui Smith to point husband at plethora of free Internet porn

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is to spend time showing her husband exactly how to access the Internet’s myriad of free porn resources.

Mrs Smith is to pay back expenses claimed when her husband Richard Timney ‘accidentally’ ordered two adult films via the Virgin cable service at her constituency home in Redditch, Worcestershire.
The incident has caused great [...]

Successful Earth Hour delays global catastrophe, by an hour

The successful ‘Earth Hour’ campaign by the World Wildlife Fund for Nature, has led experts to predict that it has delayed an inevitable global environmental catastrophe, by an hour.
The Earth Hour campaign, which aimed to stifle man’s selfish destruction of the planet – for an hour - culminated in hundreds of homes switching off their [...]

WeekArse Issue 3

WeekArse magazine returns by popular demand, with this week’s issue containing the following articles.
Slough
And 50 other places to avoid before dying.
Homosexuality
Do two gay wrongs make a gay right?
God’s Work
It’s got his name on it, so it’s his to sort out, surely?
Black Presidents who aren’t dictators
We scour the globe in search of one.

Shock as Madonna throws second consecutive dart in Malawi

Pop star Madonna has shocked bookmakers after the dart thrown at her wall-mounted adoption atlas landed once again in Malawi.
The pop legend, 50, announced her intention to adopt once more with the ceremonial throwing of the ‘adoption dart’ at her specially constructed two meter square atlas.
“It’s amazing really,” said a spokesperson for bookmakers Paddy [...]

Archbishop to become born-again scientist

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has stunned the Church of England by claiming to be a born-again scientist.
The Archbishop had warned that God will not intervene to prevent humanity from wreaking devastation on the environment, and that only science can save us now.
“It appears that God doesn’t want to help us, his [...]

‘I could buy a hundred windows on my pension’ says Sir Fred

Sir Fred Goodwin has rounded on the vandals who attacked his Scottish home by pointing out he could buy a hundred replacement windows with the interest earned on his pension fund whilst he ate his breakfast.
“I could buy over a hundred windows, all paid for with money I earned whilst I ate my toast and [...]

MI5 behind ‘terrorist atrocities’ Facebook meme

British Security service MI5 has sensationally been credited as the instigator of the hugely successful “7 Terrorist Atrocities I have been involved in” Facebook meme.
The meme takes the form of a short tick-list, in which the user is asked to list seven terrorist atrocities they have had direct involvement in.
After completion, the user is prompted [...]

Tata admits Nano success depends on India never discovering Auto Trader

Indian car manufacturer Tata, the creator of the world’s cheapest car priced at £1200, has admitted it’s entire business model hinges on India’s population never discovering the Auto Trader.
“We recognise that for people to pay £1200 for a brand new car bereft of any safety or luxury features whatsoever, requires them to believe that car [...]

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News from March 2009

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