News from February 2009

Sweatshops Thrive As Economic Downturn Bites

Buyers are turning their backs on ethical choices as the pennywise consumers go in search of bargains, experts said today.
“We are seeing an increasing amount of people who are standing up for their right to a good deal,” said out-of-work banker Bridagier Sir Rupert Something-Posh.
“Not everyone has a £700,000 pension to fall back on these [...]

Goodwin claims he’ll live to be one thousand

Sir Fred Goodwin, former Chief Executive of The Royal Bank of Scotland Group has hit back at claims he is being selfish with his £16m pension entitlement by insisting he needs every penny as he plans to live to be 1,000 years-old.
The Government has been backed by all sides in it’s attempts to convince Sir [...]

Union leaders ‘moved to tears’ by Post Office plight

Communications Workers Union (CWU) negotiators have been left emotionally distraught after hearing of the plight of the Royal Mail.
Early consultations have begun after the Royal Mail’s announcement that partial privatisation is likely in order to keep the organisation afloat.
CWU representatives had entered the meeting in bullish mood, but were soon knocked back when the heart-wrenching [...]

Fortune teller fails to escape economic downturn

A Surrey-based fortune teller has had his house repossessed after a string of unsuccessful stock market moves.
Barry Lightfoot, 59, had a track record of successful and accurate predictions for the love lives of his paying customers, and decided to take his gift into the stock market.
“It’d weird, he correctly predicted I’d meet Dave, who I [...]

Do UK men prefer brains or beauty?

After the country watched in awe as uber-geek Gail Trimble trounced all before her on University Challenge, we ask, is being super-brained is now super-hot?
The brawn vs brain debate has raged among women for decades, and now the UK’s men have an opportunity to ask themselves the same question.
But with beauty instead of brawn, because [...]

Global warming blamed for CO2 satellite crash

Global warming has been blamed as the first satellite of Nasa’s $280 million climate-change mission, dubbed the ‘CO2 Hunter’ crashed into the sea near Antarctica today.
The crash happened after a rocket malfunction, delivering a blow to the agency’s attempts to understand global warming, whilst also causing an acceleration in the melting of the Antarctic [...]

13 year-old father finds first pube

13 year-old father of one, Alfie Patten, has celebrated with friends after finding his first pubic hair.
The pube was discovered by Alfie during a routine morning shower.
“I wasn’t sure it was mine at first” said Alfie in an exclusive Interview with The Sun.
“With all the sex and stuff that I have absolutely definitely been having, [...]

Beatles ‘More Popular Than Jesus’ Again

Falling church attendances and the digital distribution of music means that the Fab Four are once again “more popular than Jesus”.
The original comment, uttered by John Lennon in 1966 at the height of the group’s success, sparked outrage in the bible belt of the southern United States, a country in which he was shot to [...]

African prayers answered as UK housing market stablises

A number of African countries have expressed their profound relief at the UK’s stabilising property market.
Halifax Building Society reported a slight rise in house prices from December to January this year, leading experts to speculate that the fall in property prices appears to have stabilised, bringing relief to home owners throughout the UK.
This sense of [...]

Rourke starts new ‘lost things’ necklace trend

Oscar nominee Mickey Rourke has sparked a bizarre trend among impressionable fashionistas in wearing pictures of lost and misplaced items around their neck.
Rourke, 56, who lost his pet chihuahua only days before the yesterday’s Academy Award ceremony, was pictured at the event wearing a photo of the dog, Loki, around his neck.
Distraught at the loss, [...]

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KEITH LEMON

News from February 2009

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